Five Secrets to Happily Ever After

5. Never say uncle.

Is "happily ever after" merely a mirage, a fairy tale, an accident? Not to couples who truly believe in it, who actively pursue extraordinary happiness. These totally committed couples resolve never to give up on marriage and its possibilities, say marriage experts. My husband Duke and I have banished the word "divorce" from our relationship vocabulary. We don't even joke about it. The result of this steadfastly positive approach: The roof does not appear to be caving in when we have an argument, when sex one night isn't sizzling or dinner conversation another night sags. We know we have a lifetime of ebbs and flows to ride out.

In an earlier book, Now That I'm Married, Why Isn't Everything Perfect? (Little, Brown, 1994), relationship expert Page equates getting married without fully committing to driving with your parking brake on—there's always something holding you back. Couples who thrive, she says, believe they will thrive. In times of ambivalence, they often make the effort to "act as if" they are enthusiastic.

Isn't "acting as if" a fancy term for faking it? Yes, but you'd be surprised how life- and mood-altering a little make-believe can be. Take, for example, the aforementioned drive to Los Angeles that lay ahead of Duke and me. I worried I'd get carsick reading a relationship quiz to my hubby in the car; I worried even more that his answers would doom our rare romantic night away. I was uncertain we'd triumph, but I leaped ahead to the assumption that we would, put on a happy face and read out the questions. Uncannily, Duke swooped in and nailed the names of my closest friends, even those new friends I'd made since becoming a mother. He not only recognized but also articulated the pain I felt about compromising my writing career to stay at home with our son. It is clear he knows me far more intimately today than he did on our wedding day.

Sometimes, even when your knees are shaking, you have to be unequivocal about your love and marriage. Try these ideas:

• Go ahead and make love even if you aren't feeling particularly sexy at first. Funny how a mood can change with the right enticements.
• Keep a journal of things about your new marriage for which you are grateful. When you're feeling down, page through these good memories.
• Ask yourself, are there holes in my self-esteem? Disappointments often occur because we ask the impossible of our spouses, namely, to make us whole.
• Compliment your spouse in public. Naming his best qualities will stir your soul and make you feel proud of him.