Think lasting love is a game of chance? The experts don't. Here are the five things truly blissful unions have in common.
By: Marg Stark1. Know one another well.
If there is "an apple a day" to keep marital misery away, this is it: Know your spouse well. Think you already do? You're probably right—but don't stop there. People change all the time, and you have to keep up-to-date on your partner's hopes, dreams, worries and fears.
Early courtship is all about acquiring knowledge—finding out which ice cream flavor makes your sweetheart swoon, watching how he treats his friends and his family, discovering what he holds dear in life. In fact, most of us aspire to marriage because of our deep desire to be "known." Yet over time, married couples often forget how important "getting to know you" really is. According to Dr. Gottman, nothing bolsters happiness in a marriage more. He calls it a "love map": The richer and deeper your love maps of each other are, the better you'll be able to navigate the peaks and valleys of marriage, in the same way that a detailed road map helps travelers on a long journey. "It is the quality of your friendship that will see your marriage through hard times," he says. So how do you develop and preserve detailed love maps? Try these tactics:
- Keep courting one another. Get dressed up, go out on dates, ask questions. When you talk, make it a habit to address feelings or thoughts-in-progress more often than ordinary events or specific problems.
- Pretend you're a reporter: Be super-observant to seemingly trivial details. Make mental notes when your husband gravitates toward polenta on a restaurant menu or bristles at jokes about his father's spendthrift ways. Focus as much on your spouse's needs and interests as your own.
- Give each other mini quizzes. Can you name your partner's best friends and biggest life stresses? Can he identify your latest, greatest accomplishments or the things that scare you most?
