Think lasting love is a game of chance? The experts don't. Here are the five things truly blissful unions have in common.
By: Marg Stark4. Grooms, empathy is key.
On the flip side, the happiest marriages feature husbands who appreciate and empathize with their wives. During the engagement, this gem of a man will give up his tee time to pick out china patterns with his fiancé, because it means something to her.
If you're considering having children, this is the kind of man you want by your side. After all, research reveals that 67% of couples experience a precipitous drop in marital satisfaction when they first have a baby. A key factor among the third whose unions thrived after a child's birth was a husband who empathized with his wife.
"Too often when a new baby comes the husband feels left behind," says Dr. Gottman. "He can't keep up with his wife's metamorphosis." But the husband who has always pursued knowing his wife and sought to understand her world will not back away, even from the seemingly exclusive mother/infant bond that scares away other new fathers. An empathetic husband gets high marks in marriage, no matter what obstacle crops up in life. He may never read your moods the way your girlfriends do. He may never care as much as you do about spirituality, salsa dancing or Thanksgiving traditions. But he'll care enough about you to go to church or salsa lessons, to set a formal table with three forks and to compliment you when you need it most. Over a lifetime, that's what matters. Need to help your groom brush up on his thoughtfulness?
- Give up on him reading your mind. Before your anniversary or birthday, cut out romantic date ideas from the newspaper or circle potential gifts in catalogs.
- Ask for his help. Most men want to contribute; they just don't anticipate the needs of the household the way women have been trained to do.
- Go fly-fishing with him, or to his favorite animated film festival, even if you're bored silly. He'll soon reciprocate, engaging in something that interests you.
- If you're disgruntled that he doesn't understand why something is important to you—like throwing a perfect first dinner party—help him to understand. Explain it. Give him a chance.
