Five Secrets to Happily Ever After

2. Sugarcoat sore subjects.

It doesn't matter how much a married couple argues, researchers say. What matters more is how a disagreement starts and ends.

If you were raised in the South, where "killing 'em with kindness" is an art form, you may already know how to offer the spoonful of sugar that takes the bitterness out of medicine. If not, you're wise to learn, because it can be a real boon to your marriage. As Dr. Gottman explains, 96% of the time, the first three minutes of an argument determine its outcome. "A harsh set-up simply dooms you to failure," he says.

Harsh set-ups come in many forms. You're almost assured of getting nowhere in a disagreement if you begin by mocking your husband—"Oh, I see you've finally taken scrub brush in hand"—or if he greets your concerns with contempt, such as "Here we go again with the histrionics." It can be hard not to be contentious when you're in the midst of an argument—you've got a bee in your bonnet and you want justice! But, says Dr. Gottman, if you can think of ways to de-escalate and shift the tension even as you're presenting your side of the argument, you're less likely to end fuming or with a lingering bad feeling. He calls these "repair attempts," and they include the reassuring hand you put on your husband's leg when you sense you've struck a nerve or the goofy smile he makes that disarms you mid-argument.

So how do you broach tough subjects without being tough on your relationship?

• As bugged as you may be, find the nicest, calmest way of presenting your concern.
• Narrow your complaint. Make a specific suggestion, not a sweeping criticism.
• Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Most insensitive acts occur because of mindlessness, not malice.
• Allow yourself to be nudged or cajoled out of an argument if you or your spouse is emotionally overwhelmed. Tabling a topic until you're both rational increases your chances of resolution and lengthy wedded bliss.