Five Secrets to Happily Ever After

3. Brides, carry the ball.

One of the biggest myths about happy marriages is they are 50/50, equal parts give-and-take. The sooner you dispense with thinking each aspect of your relationship has to be "even Steven," the better off you will be.

The truth is, women are often more skilled at and interested in grooming relationships than men are. It sounds clichéd but it's true: Most of the time, it's wives who bring up sticky subjects and husbands who try to avoid discussing them—and that's as true of happy marriages as it is of troubled ones.

Studies show that women are better at handling stress physiologically. Our cardiovascular systems handle surges of adrenaline more readily and calm down more quickly than men's do. In prehistoric times, natural selection favored the female who could promptly soothe herself, releasing hormones that allowed her to nurse an infant. Similarly, a hyper-vigilant male hunter was most likely to survive. To this day, men are more easily overwhelmed by conflict—marital or otherwise—than women are.

Susan Page, a relationship expert and the author of How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together (Broadway Books, 1997), acknowledges how frustrated women are that the ideal relationship, in which partners are equally emotionally adept, remains ever beyond their grasp. Yet, she says, "we are still in the middle of a revolution" that started a mere 25 years ago with the contemporary women's movement. At this stage of cultural change, Page suggests it is appropriate for women to continue to be emotional mentors, helping men improve their relationships—and raising more emotionally adept sons—so that future generations of marriages move closer to 50/50.

All this does not mean you should be a doormat or undermine your own control or power in your romantic partnership. The key is to acknowledge his contributions to the relationship as you do your share (even if it is more than half!) of nurturing it.

• Delight in the complement of your marital skills. He's a great cook, you're better at money management. You're an organizational wizard, he's a spark plug of spontaneity.
• If you're feeling under appreciated, first look for ways you can change your own outlook. Taking control of your own moods can be far more satisfying than blaming him.
• Downsize unrealistic expectations. He fell in love with you, not with a spotless kitchen floor or a whittled waistline. Likewise, love him and not your idealized version of him.
• Unconditional love, not nagging, transforms people. Respect your partner's contribution, then watch his skills improve.