Think lasting love is a game of chance? The experts don't. Here are the five things truly blissful unions have in common.
By: Marg Stark
On our wedding night, my new husband, Duke, pulled a gift-wrapped jewelry box from his suitcase. We had previously agreed that we would not buy each other wedding gifts because the cost of our nuptials had already outpaced our budget. Nevertheless, my pragmatic sweetheart bowed to sentiment and surprised me with gold love-knot earrings. He knew how much the traditions of that special day meant to me and wanted all my dreams of it to be fulfilled.
Five years later, it's much harder for Duke and me to focus on each other's unspoken hopes or wishes. Our current picture of "happily ever after" includes a mortgage and a feisty, carrot-topped two-year-old who absorbs much of our time and attention. Recently, we got a babysitter and drove from our home in San Diego to Los Angeles for a couple's night away. I'd brought along a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Crown, 1999). The author, John Gottman, Ph.D., runs the Seattle-based Marital and Family Institute. I toted Gottman's book because it contained some marriage quizzes—perhaps they would fill the time on our road trip, I reasoned. Also, I was worried that Duke and I were in danger of letting our relationship fizzle in the face of sleep deprivation and diaper changes.
Turns out I was wrong about our union being in any sort of trouble—but right in assuming that the impulse to share the quiz with Duke was a good one. Self-examination is a gift to any marriage. In subsequent research, I found that social scientists have made great strides in understanding the essential traits of successful marriages. True experts—those who have studied hundreds of marriages over decades and decades—have now identified key factors that lead to lifelong, loving partnerships. They can predict, with startling accuracy, which marriages will thrive over time, based on the way partners interact with one another today. They can tell when couples are off-track and, more importantly, how to get back on.
As your engagement and wedding plans surge ahead, take these tips to heart. Indeed, happily ever after is possible, even at the speed of life, if you appreciate these five essentials:
