If you're secretly worried about giving up the single life-the digs, the name, the freedom-you're not alone. Here, how to handle the shift from Ms. to Mrs.
By: Marg Stark"Marriage is closing in on me."
Carol Todaro*, a 34-year-old New York City bride, agreed to forsake all others when her beloved proposed. But forsake her beautiful apartment? The cooperative she'd bought all by herself? The corner unit on the top floor with all the light? The one whose walls she'd painted her favorite hues? "It made perfect sense for me to sell it," says Carol. "It was too small for the two of us and, since the rent on his place was so cheap, we could save money for a house. I was all for it, but still, it felt like I was abandoning my home, something that was all mine."
Moving across town into what had formerly been a bachelor’s lair, Carol felt the walls suddenly closing in on her. "I had been so focused on the wedding that I let slide any concerns I had about giving up my single life and becoming a wife," she says. "But suddenly it hit me. I just sold my lovely apartment! I have no nights off from him anymore. I’m going to have to spend holidays with his relatives! I’m going to have to share a bank account with him!"
As happy as Carol is to have found the man with whom she wants to share her life, casting her fate alongside of his is scary. Laurie Colwin acknowledged an engaged woman’s fear and trembling in her novel Happy All the Time. You lose your old bearings: "On the one side is your happiness and on the other is your past—the self you were used to, going through life alone, heir to your own experience. Once you commit yourself to someone else, everything changes…You take one timid step forward, but then you realize that you are not alone. You take someone’s hand—[your fiance’s]—and strain through the darkness to see ahead," Colwin writes.
Yes, it’s helpful to steady yourself with the hand of your beloved. But what else can you do when the marriage you always wanted now threatens to hem you in?
- Get creative. There’s no one formula for marriage, no rule that says Carol can’t enjoy a night off, or even a vacation without her husband to indulge in solitude again. When marriage starts to feel too confining, re-imagine it. Find marital styles that work for the two of you.
- Hang onto some "comfort items." Blow up the photo of the friends who formed your faux family during your single years. Wear the diamond earrings you bought for yourself with that first big windfall. Cherish possessions that remind you of your feisty, independent self.
