One of the first major wedding tasks that I tackled with my fiancé, Jesse, was the guest list. As a wedding planner, I knew how important it was to start with this step! The guest list has the single largest impact on the wedding budget, from the size of your venue to the meal you serve to how many table centerpieces you'll need.
Here are some helpful questions we asked ourselves throughout this process to help make it as easy as possible:
1. What is your ideal guest count range?
Jesse and I decided that we would like to have around 100 to 150 guests. We want our big day to have an intimate vibe, but we also realized that since we have larger extended families, those relatives would take up the majority of the seats if we tried to stay under 100, so we bumped it up to 150!
2. Where do you want to draw the line with extended family?
After compiling a list of all our relatives we plan on inviting, we ran it by our parents and grandparents to make sure there wasn't someone we were missing who should be included. We also wanted to get their feedback on whether we cut off our invites at an acceptable place since our relatives may go to them first with questions.
For my dad's family with eight living siblings, it was my aunts and uncles, with the exception of a few cousins that I see on a regular basis for holidays. If we would have gone much further than that, then our list would have had 75 people from his side alone! My mom's side was easy — she only has four sisters and I have grown up with all of my cousins so we kept it to aunts and cousins.
While cutting off the family invites at some point is inevitable, I also feel that it's important to do so in the hopes of not hurting anyone's feelings. It's much easier to say that you were only able to include aunts and uncles, rather than having to make up an excuse as to why someone was invited.
Photo by: Candace Berry Photography on Bridal Musings via Lover.ly
If you're not as close as I am to your extended family, then you may want to ask your parents to draft a list up or sit down and create one with you. By working on the guest list together, you can help remind your parents that not everyone can be included due to budget restrictions, but hopefully, you can come to a common understanding and invite those who have been the most influential in your life. For relatives that you are unable to invite, it's a nice touch to send them a wedding announcement with a wedding picture.
3. What about your parents' invite list?
I’ve heard stories of parents needing X amount of wedding invites for their friends and wondered how I would approach this for our wedding, as we don’t have a ton of extra room for this sort of thing. What I did was call up my mom and read off our list to her to see if there were any friends she would like to invite that we may not have thought to include.
Another factor that could potentially affect this portion of your guest list is if your parents are financially contributing towards the wedding. It might be a polite and respectful gesture to allocate a certain number of spots to their friends. I would recommend asking Mom and Dad to come up with a "wish list" and review it with them. This will give you the chance to reiterate that although you would like them to have fun with their pals, this isn't an open party. And who knows, there might be someone on the list you actually wanted to invite yourself and then forgot!
4. Who are the friends in your innermost circle?
First, we listed the people that we would like to ask to be in our bridal party since they will be an integral part of our big day. Than, we moved on to the people who we see on a regular basis — the ones we grab dinner with on a random night or just text to say hi.
Photo by: Michael Radford Photography on Wedding Sparrow UK via Lover.ly
Next, it's on to the people that you’ve known for a while but might not be in your inner circle at this exact time:
5. Have you spoken to them recently, dined with them or had them over to your house within the past year?
If the answer was yes, then they absolutely made the list. But if the answer was no, we looked back to when the last time we really interacted with them was, left them off the list and were okay with that.
6. Who needs a plus one?
One rule of thumb is to give a plus one to anyone who is married, engaged, living together or seriously dating. Jesse and I already knew almost all of our plus ones by name. We decided that friends who are currently not in a serious relationship would not be given a plus one. However, we made sure to go through the list and confirm that they knew a significant number of other guests to not feel left out. We reasoned that if they're a close enough friend or relative, than they shouldn’t need to bring someone since they will already know a good amount of people who will be there!
You may run into a few exceptions. For example, we gave my great aunt who lives in Wisconsin the option of bringing someone with her, since she would be traveling so far and we hoped that this would encourage her to make the trip out to California to celebrate with us.
Photo by: Q Weddings on Fab You Bliss via Lover.ly
7. Do you want to include children at your wedding?
I have always envisioned an adults only reception. I knew this was something that was important to me but that I didn't want to make any of our guests with young children feel uncomfortable, in case my request was something that might inhibit them from attending.
The solution that Jesse and I came up with was to add a line to our invitation that says “adult reception to follow” and then on the RSVP card, instruct guests with kids to let us know whether or not they would be bringing their child and need childcare (which we would then provide). That way, the child could be close enough to the reception in case parents need to check on them, and we still get to maintain an adult atmosphere.
8. Which co-workers do you speak to outside of work?
We only invited those that were allowed into our personal lives. If you only contact your co-workers for work-related things, then they shouldn’t be insulted when they don’t get invited. For those that do get invited, politely ask them to be professional about it and not discuss the wedding at work. This can help soften the tension between anyone who you weren't able to include. You might be closest with the person who sits next to you but know nothing about the lady across the hall and that's okay.
As far as bosses go, it depends on your personal relationship with them. Did you tell them you were engaged right after it happened? Do they know your dogs' names? Do they get your Christmas card? If you answered yes, then you're probably pretty close to your boss and should invite them. If you don't want them there, then that's perfectly fine, too. It might also depend on what type of field you work in.
The wild cards:
9. Say you end up in New York City and you have a few friends that you grew up with that live there. Do you call them or plan to see them?
Depending on your answer, you'll know what to do. Also, if you only see the individual in question at events organized by other friends, then odds are they're your friends' friends and are not necessarily yours.
Also, this might sound harsh, but if you roll your eyes or fake a smile when you have to talk to someone, then don't invite them to your wedding. Your wedding is supposed to be a celebration of your love for each other. It should include those who mean the most to you not only as individuals but also as a couple.
Photo by: Love Life Images via Lover.ly
10. You were invited to their wedding — does that mean they have to be invited to yours?
Your immediate answer might be, "well of course," but take into consideration how much time has passed since their big day and the type of wedding they had compared to yours. They may have been able to invite 300 guests with no issue while you're trying to stick to 100 guests.
I suggest approaching this by making your list and jotting down all of the weddings you've attended, both individually and as a couple. Then go through step #9 above, which should hopefully help you reach the right decision.
I hope that this insight into our thought process will help you in creating your guest list! Keep in mind that each wedding has its own unique set of dynamics and yours might be completely different than mine. One constant in the planning process is to remember that the budget and guest list do rule all. There will always be guests that you feel obligated to invite, but just keep in mind that one exception can lead to another and so forth.
— Davia Lee
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Davia Lee is a real bride, entrepreneur, lead designer and wedding planner for Davia Lee Events. She loves all things sparkly, fashionable and girly. In contrast, her fiancé, Jesse, is a "man's man" — beard and all! They are the poster couple for "opposites attract" and prove that true love knows no boundaries. Their greatest wedding-planning challenge will be finding a middle ground where all of their wants, needs and dreams will meet. We can tell you this, though — when everything aligns, their big day will be fabulous!
